life

.....

2007-04-30T15:58:38Z

another day.. you know.. one of THOSE days...

been a while since I updated this beast because I've been so unmotivated.. unmotivated to do anything, really.

started seeing a councelor because I feel like I'm drowning.. tht's a sucky feeling. medical appointments almost every day that I keep getting in trouble for.. the only good thing about them is MAYBE I'll get medically retired or discharged.. right now, I don't care which if it means I get out. I feel like a quitter, but damned if I can do it anymore. I just can't. the way I've started looking at it is hey.. if this were a normal job, would I continue to do it? hell no. I would have quit a long time ago.. fuck that noise..

I don't know what to do anymore. it's too hard to maintain a happy face.. there are a few truely good points in my life, but not enough to keep me going in this situation.. I'm stressed enough (and yes, I attribute it to stress) that I have high blood pressure, which is where alot of my medical appointments come from, which I then get in trouble for, which adds to the stress.. I'm on Atenelol to control it, but that seems to be causing the new chest pains, which is no good.. my back doesn't feel any better despite doing what the physical therapist told me to do..

I do have john, and for the most part, he keeps me sane.. he's what I look forward to comming home to, and he gets me through the day.. go figure he's a couplle hundred billion miles away, and when I need a hug I'm SOL.. like right now.. I could really use a hug.. I have duty today which is bad enough.. got up two hours earlier then normal to pick up trash all day.. found out that I have evening colors because my section leader hates me for god knows what reason (last 6 duty days she has tried to put me on one thing or another that keeps me here later then everyone else...) so even if I get to go home with everyone else, I'm not off duty until like 7:30 tonight.. maybe as late as 8:30 IDK.. but on top of that, I got reprimanded by the CO of the base for something I didn't even fucking do! APARENTLY I looked at him in the hall, saw him there, and didn't say anything to him along the lines of "good morning sir" now this is news to me, because until he said something, I didn't even know he was there. so I took shit for something I didn't even know about. fuck that.

and I have an inspection today and my uniform prolly looks like shit. at this point in my day, I don't care. I can't bring myself to care. every day goes by and all I think about is getting out. getting out and getting a hug that I need from the one person I can think of who's hug would make me feel better. I need to get out now.. yesterday.. last month..

whatever.. maybe I'll post more later.. I have to go for now..

*sigh*

wish me luck..

nothing much...

2007-01-22T08:49:34Z

it's been a million years since I updated, but there hasn't been much going on..

I got tattoos..

and they rock. go monkeys.

got a super-hot BF

he left me yesterday, and won't be back for 8 months.. his ship departed on westpack at 10 AM jan 20. saddening. but he called me about half an hour ago.. wasn't supposed to.. used the supply phone... hope he doesn't get in trouble for it.. but it was good to hear from him, know he's doing alright and all that..

umm.. warcraft is addicting as hell... I'm liking my rogue alot more then my druid.. she's alot easier to lvl up, even though the quests for her are more annoying.. next I'm going to start a warrior, I think. I want to try a no-nonsense tank. all they really do is hit stuff, and right now, that's just damned appealing. maybe I'll start a horde warrior..

ok, it's late and I have indoc tomorrow.. dull as hell, but if I fall asleep, I'll get in alot of trouble, and that's never good.

sorry I havn't updated lately..

AS PROMISED!!

2006-07-17T04:39:49Z

the picture..

not the best pic, but not too horrid..

monkey_snot @ 2006-07-16T06:32:00

2006-07-16T12:09:07Z

So I'm finding out JUST how hard it really is to pack up my ENTIRE life, knowing that I can't have it back for a good long time..

In fact, it's gotten to the point where I'm not doing anything to get it done. I should, I know.. but it's harder then you would think.

I know I only have until monday around 1 PM, but still.. it's just easier to not do it. less stressful. less work. the whole nine yards..

One would think such a HUGE change would.. I don't know.. be more exciting.. and yeah, I suppose it is.. but it's more depressing right now, and very nerve wrecking..

I suppose I'm starting to get worried that I won't be able to hack it. Seems foolish, but there it is.

The hair has been chopped already. The clothes, packed. The 11 general orders of a sentry, studied. and yet I don't feel ready..

I know it's not that big of a deal.. I mean the military is huge, and if all of those people can do it, I can too..

I had some really philosophical stuff to say a couple of hours ago, but I was in the middle of "gambling" and completely forgot about all of it. whoopsie!

anyway, for those of you who have my cell number, please don't call it after tomorrow (sunday). I'm clearing out all of the numbers because my mom wants it, and don't leave messages because it's not mine anymore.

off that topic, then.. on to the.. umm.. other stuff..

I suddenly wish there was other stuff.. I really don't have much to say right now..

well, before I go to pack up my life..

if you care to write me durring basic..

uh-oh..

OK so maybe I don't have my address yet..

stupid div. number and ship number!!

well, the rest of it should be

e-1 Bichel, Emily A
div (#) ship (#)
recruit training command
3301 indiana st.
great lakes, IL 60088-3127

maybe I'll give my sis my password and have her fix that when I know my div. # and ship #..

I'll have to send that to everyone later..

if you HAPPEN to write me, don't be hurt if I don't write back or it takes a while, sine I likely won't have a whole lot of time for writing

I prolly won't be able to call a whole slew of people, since we get a total of three phone calls.. one to call home and two later on.. and I already promised Dad and Halley that I would call them, so I will.. I may be able to earn calls though, but can't recieve any.. ick!

OK, I should go pack now then..

I'll post a pic of the haircut later if I remember.. need a shower first..

eharmony

2006-06-26T11:19:44Z

wow..

I spent two hours taking the personality test on e-harmony

just because I had nothing better to do..

it was long and dull

they couldn't match me accurately (happens, as they say, to roughly 20% of people)

but

the results on the personality profile were amazingly accurate

SO I'm going to post them :P

nothing better to do

here goes:

By analyzing your answers to the Relationship Questionnaire we have created the following Personality Profile. Everyone has a set of subconscious wants and desires that drive their choices and attitudes. By asking you questions about a wide range of emotional issues, this report has established general patterns in your values.

Some of the following information may seem inaccurate or incomplete. Remember, that this profile is a snapshot of your personality at a specific moment. It is not intended as an in-depth analysis of your complete being, but as a tool to aid in self-discovery.

* Others showing genuine sincerity and acceptance impress you. You do not like a shallow expression of feelings or thoughtlessness of others. You will get along with most people you meet because you don't cause hostility.
* You usually assume a cautious and reserved demeanor when meeting new people. Your relationships must grow naturally and in sincere ways. You will not confide in others readily because of your need for security.
* During times of stress or tension, you may withdraw inside yourself and appear as somewhat cool and aloof. You need to be alone when thinking through projects, problems or solutions.
* You may be a matter-of-fact person who may be critical of the shortcomings of others who display a more emotional or outgoing side.
* Others may see you as disciplined and self-controlled. You have seen the problems of being overly optimistic when planning to depend on others following through.
* Because of your thoughtful nature, you need others to express sincere interest in you or the relationship. This offers the secure feeling that you seek.

Each person has a unique way of communicating. We use a combination of body language, facial expression, verbal tone and word choice to share ourselves with others. The following statements offer a look at the natural behavior you bring to an interpersonal relationship.

* You are usually astute in social situations because you take little at face value, will listen carefully and accurately, and will watch others carefully.
* You tend to listen rather than talk. You may place a premium on display of emotions. As a result, "reading" you at times may be difficult.
* Some people may inaccurately perceive you as not liking people. You may be misread by others, because you approach social situations with logic and objectivity, judging others by their competence--you may sometimes be misread by others.
* You may be somewhat reticent and retiring when with others, especially in a large group. As others grow louder, you may become quieter. You value control of emotions, and are more reflective than rowdy.
* You attempt to influence others not by showing great emotion, but by appealing to the logical nature of people. Those who are more emotional and excitable may sometimes ignore your approach.
* You may want to base relationships on a nonemotional respect for each other's abilities, and base your level of trust on directness and straightforwardness.
* Because of your need to be quiet rather than rambling, you are somewhat introspective about events and activities. You may not communicate readily and rapidly with others, but this does not mean you don't support others.

Many different factors determine the communication styles with which you are most comfortable. Some individuals thrive on the challenge of pointed criticism, while others are at their best in a nurturing environment where criticism is offered as a suggestion for improvement. Each of us has a unique set of requirements and preferences. Below is a list of communication styles that will mesh well with your own. Having a partner who understands and practices these traits is important to your long-term happiness.

* Respect quiet demeanor.
* Be on time.
* Omit the details and get to the "bottom line."
* Show patience, especially when drawing out information.
* Be ready at the exact time.
* Stick to the topic.
* Support results, not the person, if you agree.
* Ask specific questions--preferably "WHAT" questions.
* Provide questions and choices for making decisions.
* Prepare for demanding questions, and perhaps objections.

Following are some of the specific strengths and/or personal characteristics that you bring to a relationship. These may form the foundations of many of your friendships and dealings with other people. Some will seem obvious, but you may be surprised by others. Take a moment to reflect on each and consider what role it may have played in your past successes, and even failures.

* You like to initiate new activities.
* You are good at "troubleshooting" potential problems in a relationship.
* You tend to be tenacious about solving problems, not liking to give up until something is resolved.
* You place a high value on being direct and honest when expressing thoughts and feelings.
* You generally don't like to back away from a challenge.
* You enjoy situations where you can demonstrate your skill or mastery of a subject.
* You don't tend to get distracted by superficial issues.

In general, human beings are defined by their needs and individuals by their wants. Your emotional wants are especially important when establishing with whom you are compatible. While answering the Relationship Questionnaire you established a pattern of basic, subconscious wants. This section of the report was produced by analyzing those patterns. Our wants change as we mature and obtain our life goals. You may find it valuable to revisit this section periodically to see how your wants have changed.

You may want:

* Others to behave with the same sense of urgency.
* As much travel as possible: short trips, long trips and excursions.
* An audience to perform to and entertain.
* A variety of activities.
* Support of your ideas and dreams.
* Equal relations with others.
* A friendly, favorable social environment.
* Popularity.
* Many activities, so there is never a dull moment.
* Recognition of skills and ability.
* Others to work and play as hard as you do.
* Freedom from detail."

so sure, some of them are just a TEENY bit off.. but on the whole, very accurate

just thought I would share

monkey_snot @ 2006-06-02T03:57:00

2006-06-02T09:43:09Z

so I'm recovering from surgery..

woo

had it last friday, get the splints taken out of my nose today.. that will be nice..

not much news..

I learned how to crochet a few cooler stitches, and I'm working on a monkey hat... we'll see how it turns out.. I don't wear hats, so I'll prolly sell it.. I can always make another, cooler one, after all..

I think I'm also going to make a frog hat with big big eyes.. that should be cool..

I have a bunch of jewelry ready to be put togather (almost 25 pieces!!) so I'll prolly do that tomarrow after I get the splints out... maybe list some of it.. we'll see.. need to figure out how to get my camera to take better pictures... can't figure out why it's not..

anyway, buisness is slow..

pimp me out, people.. please. I'm still on starving artist status!!

I've got some other assundry items up now.. a couple of t-shirts... some zipper-pulls.. I'm moving from just circlets and slave bracelets into other jewelry as well.. necklaces, earrings, bracelets.. going to be making Renaissance garters soon as well (like a chain belt with a long dangly thing in the middle)

I'm just not really motivated right now.. what with not selling anything and all.. it's really quite depressing.. not to mention being too broke to get more materials until I sell something..

so for a while after I get these pieces made and listed, I'm going to concentrate on crocheting.. should be cheaper.. might take up knitting as well.. dunno.. either way, it's much more time-consuming, so that should be good..

I havn't felt like playing video games lately either for some reason... or talking to certain people who I usually love talking to..

maybe there's something to that whole depression thing.. though I wouldn't have the slighest clue, since this is somewhat normal to me..

I'll see a shrink when the Navy pays for it.. nothing to loose..

I really hope I will still have time to do my crafting when I'm in the navy..

I might not be able to sell online, but I love making things, and to make things, I need to sell them so I can make more things, so I wouldn't mind just doing art faires and craft shows and renfaires and LARP conventions, as long as I can continue to do what I love doing...

well whatever..

just bitching some..

anyone who reads this should go sheck out my shop and support a starving artist (really.. I'm pretty hungry.. I wish I had a burrito.. or a hot pocket...)

anyway, the Monkey.... is out.

goodnight world!

almost forgot

2006-05-16T07:14:10Z

WHOOPSIE!!

I just remembered that I got a store set up for my circlets!

now everybody badger my sister about the website she's making for me so's I can get on with the sell-a-thon!

for those interested, my shop is located at http://www.MonkeysEatMyUndies.etsy.com

stop by, give it a look-see

I'll have more shtuffs up soon-like (tomarrow)

finally going to try and sell muh wingerses, and start making seed-bead jewelry again.... because I can...

the more I have up for sale, and the more of you spread the JOY that is me, the more I can afford to do

also, along the lines of making money; I am now officially out of a job. I can't work at the hatchery anymore.. the octoligic dpt. believes the main cause of the turbinate inflamation is my work environment..

so yeah.. I am now on starving artist status until further notice :P

surgery on the 26th

2006-05-16T07:08:28Z

(don't worry; I'll explain the bigger words :P)

so I went to the ear nose and throat specialist today... and he looked at my CT scan results (commonly referred to as a "CAT" scan)

I'll write an abbriged version of my CT results, explaining everything as well as possable

"Concha (conch-a) bullosa involving right middle turbinate (something like a sinus, if I understand properly), prominant in size measuring 2.7X1.5 CM (and I saw the CT scan itself; the thing is huge compared to the other one)

There is some localized mucosal (mucus) thickening along the medial wall of the right maxilary antrum (your on your own; I can't remember much of my anatomy class)

there is 7MM of septal deviation (the thingie in the middle of your nose that seperates right from left is 7MM to the left, and yes, it is noticable, and can impare breathing)

osteal meatus units are patent (no clue)"

so that's pretty much what my CT turned up.. looking at the film, it was actually pretty obvious that there was something wrong with the sinus..

anyway, I scedualed two surgeries for the 26th... not looking forward to them, but I will be under general anesthesia (sp)

they are:

Septoplasty- inspection of the nose shows septum to be bent or inclined towards one side. if it interferes with breathing, a septoplasty may be a suggested way to help

and

turbinate resection- removal of turbinate bone which is found on the outer wall of the nasal cavity

while they are doing the turbinate resection, they will also be reducing the size or the turbinate itself..

I'm going to be miserable for a few days after, so don't expect me to be on too often from the 26th-30th

at least it should get rid of my headaches..

so yeah, that's about it..

new auctions

2006-05-08T13:30:05Z

As always, my pieces are one-of-a-kind, and completely hand-made

this isn't everything I have up, because I didn't want to list too much, but these are the pieces I find more aesthetically pleasing..

hope you like them, too!

Bridal pearl circlet

Click for listing

Wiccan Moon Goddess circlet

Click for listing

Gold-tone and red

Click for listing

Gold Star and Moon circlet

Click for listing

new listings

2006-05-01T03:29:08Z

I'm sure most of you who see this won't care, but on the off-chance you do, I have some current e-bay auctions, and if you have feedback for me on how I list them and whatnot, feel free to give it, as it woud be greatly appreciated..

just click the picture :)

the new me..

2006-04-14T08:22:00Z

So I had my eye exam a bit ago.. I'm farsighted..

For at least the next two weeks, I have to wear my glasses all the time, after that, they may just be for reading, depending upon weather or not I still get headaches, and what my doctor says when I go in for my appointment on the 25th

But anyway, I took a pic, and figured this is as good a place as any to post it, even though it sucks something fierce..

so... here it is

that's all the news for now..

ooh yeah.. ^.^ I drained my checking account.. again :P that's what I get for spending too much on materials for my circlets... fortunately for me, however, I have enough in the way of materials in gold, silver and copper, to make a good many circlets and sell the lot of them on e-bay.. hopefully make a fair bit of moohlah.. I have 20 to list right now..

I'll prolly be listing them (maybe half now, half later) saturday or monday.. not sure which.. (if you happen to be interested, you can find my about me page here and all of my stuff *should* show up on it..)

umm.. so yeah.. life is exiting.. sharing is fun.. off to read mah book now (Stardust by Neil Gaiman.. not great, but not too bad.. good pace, although fast enough that it's slightly confusing.. GO FANTASY!!)

loads of newsy bits

2006-04-04T20:24:26Z

So, it's been a while since I have had anything noteworthey to write in this beastly thing.. I'm just not so crazy about talking about myself, I guess..

Still nothing radically important to talk about, but a few changes..

First and foremost, I found out a while back that I have to chop off all my wonderous, glorious hair.. (shut up.. it's wonderous and glorious when I'm about to loose it) and sure, that's not a huge big deal... but to me..

Well anyways, my cousen Joey said she would be happy to cut it real short (couple inches above my collar) and dye it for me, since it's two-tone now.. she said she would do it as a graduation present, so I won't owe her anything for it, which I really appreciate. She also said that I wouldn't have to go out of my way to donate it to Locks of Love, since someone she knows takes care of stuff like that, and that's what I wanted to do anyway.

so there's that news.

Second bit of FUN.. tomarrow is my 19th b-day.. frankly, I'm supprised I lived this long, but w/e.. I get to spend my B-day at school and in my recruiter's office :/ not so fun, no.

Third bit of news; I'm getting alot of headaches. I don't just mean like once a week, I'm talking just about every day. I have an eye exam scedualed for thursday (I hope that takes care of it, I really do) and a doctor's appointment on the 25th. I've been keeping a "journal" of every time I get them, what time of the day, where the pain is, how bad it is, where I am, what I'm doing and so on. unfortunately, I'm not just getting them durring the day like I used to. I'm getting them while I sleep, too. I wake up with them... really bad ones. my cure for bad headaches used to be to sleep it off, but it would seem I can't do that anymore...

I have told my recruires about this, and they are less than happy, since if it's something serious, it can jeapordize my Navy career. and now I'm not happy about it. I don't exactally have a back up plan.. hopefully everything will work out, and it won't be something serious, like the cyst mom says Dad had on his sinus.. I mean I got a CT scan a while back, and they found nothing, but who knows..

I shouldn't get ahead of myself on this, but I can't help it.. I mean what if it's something that will keep me from my career? then what will I do? I havn't exactally been getting good grades, and it's soooo close to my ship date..

help me hope for good news..

maybe I should also mention I'm getting alot more bloody noses than normal.. I can generally expect 5-6 every winter, but I've been getting them every 4-5 days, and that can't be a good sign.. right?

here's hoping it's just eyestrain..

I decided that durring the 14 day leave I get after basic, I'm going to NY.. maybe for only a week, but still. I have a friend there, and he said I could stay with him (and really, he is the only reason I want to go in the first place). I want to get to know him, since we seem to hit it off pretty well.. it's the kind of "pretty well" that can evolve into either a very good friendship, or something more. and even if it doesn't, and we don't get along, we can spend the time talking about the buisness we are starting with (maybe) two other people (one is serious, the other doesn't seem to be) since we want to get that started around November

Don't worry, don't worry.. I'm not getting ahead of myself. if there was no reason other than a relationship interest, I wouldn't go up there. Sooner or later, though, he and I (and the other guys) are going to have to get togather, and, frankly, after basic, I don't want to spend two weeks at home, especially when I have the money to travle. I thought about going up to visit family, but I'm going to be doing that before I leave for basic, and this leave is manditory, so I might as well make the best of it, since I won't have any more leave until the next year ('07) and even then, it won't be until a couple months after the first of the year, since you get 2.5 days for every 30 days

I do hope for the best, though.. a good friendship would be awesome.. plus he said he would run a few independant campeigns to help me get used to playing D&D, and really... who else am I going to find to do that for me? :P

anyways, that's about it for now.. school is going as well as can be expected, work isn't too bad, and for the most part, everything else is going pretty well..

so I'll post more about the headache situation when I find out about it..

super dull post

2006-02-19T00:45:10Z

I saved $134.50 on a purchase of $140. wow. I spent $4.50.

man, I rule. I didn't even have to steal it ^.^

in other new.. GOD DAMNIT I HATE CONSOLE FANBOYS!! especially the condecending ones.

someone came up with a word to decsribe me the other day.. Misanthropist. look it up.

that's all for now... sooo boaring, but I warned you..

People are absolutely disgisting!!

2006-01-31T17:26:27Z

So I'm taking this cooking class.. not because I need to, but because it's an easy grade, and hey... free food..

Unfortunately, I have a problem with one of the girls in my group. Scrach that. I have a problem with the whole group.

Aparently, since the group was established 1st semester (without me) they have set ways.. in other words, they are friends.

I was forced to join the group because they didn't have as many people as the other groups, and I didn't think I would have a problem with that. Found out today that yes, yes I do have a problem with that..

Is it wrong of me to think that it is unsanitary for someone to be stirring something (a sauce) with a spoon, have someone else lick the spoon, and then continue to mix it? is that wrong of me? is it wrong that I was horridly disgusted?

Aparently. the responce I got after trying to stop her from putting the spoon back in the sauce when I said "that's disgusting" was "well, that's the way our group works, if you don't like it, you can make your own food" well no, dear, I can't. that isn't how the damned class works, or I would.

I then went to the teacher, asking to be moved to a different group.. she told me to "work it out" (all the while they are bitching because I read while I cook.. it isn't hard to watch a pot of noodles and read, since the girl takes it upon herself to do everything else. I would help, but she doesn't allow it. hell, the other two group members don't even DO anything)

I don't think I can work this out.. frankly, either they knock it off, or I change groups.. I don't even care if the rest of the groups have a problem with that, because I'm not ingesting someone else's bodily fluids, especially without my concent! if that doesn't work, I am prepared to drop the class.. this is not something I can just DEAL with.. we don't even pull that crap at home, and we all share the same genetics!

is it not a question of mutual respect to NOT lick the spoon and put it back in the sauce that everyone will be eating, especially when they request that you not do it?

UNGH!! of course I suppose I shouldn't be suprised.. this is the same girl who loads up pasta water with salt (which I try to avoid because the family has a history of high blood pressure) because (get this) "the salt removes the starch from the pasta" (did I miss soemthing? isn't pasta in the starch category of the food pyramid? an you remove the starch from a starch?)

monkey_snot @ 2006-01-05T06:20:00

2006-01-05T12:21:12Z

wow.. I'm a more sensative sleeper than I thought.. I just woke up to my step-dad's alarm clock.. which is downstairs.. after I was fully concious, I realized I could barely hear it, but since it's the same kind as mine (and the alarm thus sounds the same) my subconcious made me believe it was my own..

cool! :p

On Family

2006-01-04T06:02:20Z

What a topic!

People, I just want to say.. Appreciate what you have! Appreciate your family! You really don't know what you have when you have a good family.

Most of my life has been just the nuclear family (father figure, mother figure, and children) My sister and I had very little contact with any of our extended family for most of our lives. We were also led to believe that they were... less than great people.

I have spoken to some of my friends about this particular topic, but never really in-depth.. And I know Hal wants to know what I think.. so here goes..

MY FAMILY IS GREAT!!

The End.

Gotcha.

But seriously, everyone was so different from what I was expecting. My gramma has a wierd sense of humor, which can get really off-the-wall sometimes.. The greatest thing she said (humor wise) was "well if I said it, it must be right" (In responce to myself and my great-aunt Marge teasing her about not being able to talk properly.. I can't remember exactally what she said, but I know it didn't make sense) She is also ABSOLUTELY the CUTEST woman I know! she just has a way about her, you know? She laughs alot and is always rediculously nice, but still has her kids in the palm of her hand. (she isn't a big or intimidating woman by any means, she is about 5'0 (althought she completely denies shrinking from 5'2...) and generally has a fairly quiet voice, but when she stamps her feet and yells, everyone takes her seriously. I hope I am like that, too. :)

Aunt Marge and Uncle Ed are pretty great, too, and while I'm not entirely sure what the family connection is (I know one of them is directly related.. just dunno which one.. :P), even if they weren't family, I would considder them family! Uncle Ed works for the Salvation Army, so he isn't around a whole lot, but when he is, he is a very happy guy, great to be around. Even if you are just sitting with him watching TV, he is good people. Aunt Marge keeps herself busy working at Wal*Mart because she likes to be around people. She is more personable than I could ever be :P and she is all the better for it. Spending time bickering over a puzzle with her is great; loose a piece, you KNOW where it went ;P hehe.

(so those are the people I spent the most time with over the holidays.. both thanksgiving and x-mas holiday break)

My cousen Joey and I... Where to begin.. My mom always said she was a bad person because she got pregnant in HS and gave the baby up for adoption (she still keeps in contact with her daughter, from what I have been told). She has two kids who live with her; a 14 year old daughter named Jesse (who, like me, is into video games) and a 2 year old son named Dakota.

Now... Joey and I are very like-minded.. We have the same sense of humor, the same sarcastic streak, and a lot of the same mannerisms (I'm a people watcher... I notice this stuff) and we get along great. Cut the age difference, we could be twins. (yep, we look alot alike, too) In fact, she and I are so alike that after only a few hours, Dakota started calling me mama. (Joey wasn't there, and when I told her she said "well look at you, and look at me... there isn't a whole lot of difference") Good times. Even my sister commented that Joey and I are very much alike.. she said she couldn't understand the humor of either of us, and could understand why we got along so well :D

I could elaborate on that, but the point of it is.. if Joey is such a bad person, and she and I are so much alike.... what does that make me? I really don't think she is a bad person; everyone makes mistakes. I rather like her, actually. She is most definately being forced (by myself) to come to my graduation from Basic :D

I would talk about my dad, but my mom will prolly read this, and he will prolly read this sooner or later, and I don't want to piss anyone off, or make anyone feel bad. I will, however, say that he isn't nearly as bad as Mom makes him out to be, and neither is Carol. Take that where you like.

I re-met so many people I can't even begin to keep everything straight.. They were all familier, but they were all strangers. (6+ years will do that to a person) So I can't elaborate on most of them yet, but I didn't meet anyone I didn't like. Actually, despite what I had been told about them, I didn't really notice any of the negatives that may have been there. Maybe because it was really nice to be around family, or maybe because they aren't there at all.. or even because I am so like so many of them that I just didn't pick up on the minor flaws that I also exhibit.

I would keep going, but I really can't think of much else to say.. I'm not a people person, and I really don't like being around a whole lot of people, but being around them was.. comefortable. I liked being around them (and anyone who knows me well knows I really don't like being around people in general.)

so yeah, that's it. For now, at any rate. I plan to go back up to visit again before I ship out for basic, I'm just awaiting word on when my aunt Jenny will be around, since she lives in Seattle, and I would like to see her, and I don't have any more vacations comming up from school, so I will have to take time off to do that. (woohoo for run-on sentenses!!)

umm...

The End. *fade out*

(no.. seriously.. this time I am done..)

End of relationship-part... something.. (WARNING- very long and uninteresting!)

2006-01-02T21:36:48Z

Well.. it had been nearly a month since I had herd from Nate.. (other than a SINGLE conversation online a few weeks ago, at which time I was busy and didn't really have a whole lot of intrest in talking to anyone, as I had told the other people I was talking to... go figure they understood and he didn't)

he couldn't even call me until like three or four days after Christmas (at which time I was up at my gramma's, and he didn't bother trying to call me on my cell)

And then, when I got home, I got a message on Myspace from him. And it wasn't even a "hey, how are you doing, I miss you, let's talk" message... it was this:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
Date: Jan 1, 2006 1:41 AM

you deleterfied me from your friends?
----------------- End -------------------------

now this was about a week and a half after I had removed him from my friend's list on Myspace.. and again, I hadn't heard from him in a while.. so naturally my responce was a bit mean.. a whole month without contact will do that to me, you know.. (anyone who knows anything about me would know that)

-----------My Responce------------------
why should I keep you on? you never talk to me
EVER
no point keeping people around who don't talk to me at LEAST once a FREAKIN MONTH
----------------End------------

Logical, I think..

(the rest of this is absolutely verbatum, I will do nothing but remove his screen name and put it in chronological order (the message system puts the most recent message at the top))

----------------- Original Message -----------------
Date: Jan 2, 2006 4:41 AM

ok whatever
I haven't talked to you in a week and that's because you were gone

before that i tried to talk to you but you seemed like you didn't want to

whenever i asked if you wanted to go anywhere do anything you would act like you were bored but didn't want to leave your room

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Emily
Date: Jan 2, 2006 6:10 AM

a week, huh?
yeah, a week, thats it.
you need to pay more attention to the flow of time, nate.
it was a test. you failed.
so much for calling me more often..
and yeah, we talked online.. ONCE in the past month and before that? how much communication before that? hmm.. I seem to remember NONE

----------------- Original Message -----------------
Date: Jan 2, 2006 12:23 PM

before that i tried to talk to you but you seemed like you didn't want to

whenever i asked if you wanted to go anywhere do anything you would act like you were bored but didn't want to leave your room

yes that's a repost of what i sent before

and what's this test shit? you stop talking to me
to see how long it takes for me to call you
then when i do call you, cuz you're never online anymore the only thing you actually have to say is what took you so long to call, then proceed to yell at me
I think I'll pass

maybe you just don't want anything to do with me and you're waiting for me to stop calling you entirely and leave you alone...
that way you can stay in your room and complain about shit to yourself, or better yet post it on your journal
then your "friends" can comment on it and agree with you, so you feel good about what you did

have fun

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Emily
Jan 2, 2006 12:50 PM

wow, hey.. how about a little bit of grow the hell up!

yes, I was waiting to see how long it would take for you to call me.. you know, most relationships don't even need shit like that.. I would call you, and you never called me.. gee, how do you think that makes me feel? unwanted. that's how.

and wait a sec.. I'm never online anymore? I'm online all day (although I may be invis, I am still online) and you know what? I almost NEVER see you online so don't give me that crap.

Excuse me for being busy the last time we talked. I have a job AND two side jobs... more than you can say.. you don't DO anything all day, and you STILL can't call me?

wanna know why I stopped calling you, Nate? it's because the relationship was getting AWEFULLY one-sided. There was no give-and-take, it was I give, you take.
and you wanna know why I yelled at you? BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING AN ASSHOLE!! I know a shitty relationship when I see one, and I saw one. You know most guys are willing to call their gf 3+ times a week, just to talk? Hell, most of them are more than happy to do it!

and you know what? I feel I was justified in yelling at you. you ignore me and ignore me (in not calling or talking to me that's what you were doing) and expect me to just shrivel at your feet and accept it? sorry. no. I don't do that. I don't want to be the one holding the relationship togtaher. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, you would understand..

and after that first bout of not hearing from you, I really didn't want to spend time with you, because I felt you didn't care. If you did care, you would have been a bit more persistant, or at least asked me why I didn't ever feel like doing anything. You didn't, so obviously I was right.

umm.. nate, you do understand the basis of a JOURNAL, right? it's to write down shit that you can't talk to anyone about. DOEY. and yeah, people can read it and comment on it.. so? it's not like I lied or anything. I just wrote down things the way I saw them. and if you want to, feel free to comment and leave your view on the situation.. I don't really care. besides, the only people who read that shit know me personally. It's mostly my sister and a few close friends. if people happen upon it, and decide they want to comment on it, I don't care, that is their choice.
are you OFFENDED that I made it public? I don't understand why.. I posted it knowing full well that you could read it and comment on it if you wanted to. as far as I am aware, I stated things exactally as they happened.. maybe you just don't want people to know what a jerk you are? am I ruining your chances to fuck all my male friends or what? (two females read my LJ, and they are my sister and a 10 YO girl with whom I am aquainted, the rest are male friends.. ooh and my dad and my gramma read them too..)

I have no control over what people think about what I post. I wouldn't care if they posted that I was a huge bitch, and should be the one at your feet begging for forgiveness for testing weather or not you were being honest about "really wanting to be with me" and that you were "going to try" (neither of which I really believed.. you only want a relationship when it is convenient for you)

so yes, it's true.. I really don't want anything to do with you anymore. And yes, I likely will post something about it in my LJ. And yes, you will be free to reply to it as you see fit, although if you just call me names and whatnot, I will deleat the post, and it will be the first to be deleated from my LJ... EVER!

But just so you know, there aren't many girls out there willing to put up with your kind of relationship.. most of us want a little something in return.. a phone call every now and then or so.. might want to take that into considderation with the next girl you go after (keep in mind you are the one who was seeking, not me)

on that note.. grow up, Nate. Get a job. Get a life. Get a clue.

------------End Conversation----------

Now, I admit, I may be in the wrong here.. and yeah, I havn't gotten a responce yet.. I am more or less expecting a responce to this journal entry from him, as I basically told him he should if he feels so wronged..

I don't care anymore about the psuedo-relationship we had.. over and done. I know damned well he wouldn't have wanted to stay with me when I went off to the Navy anyways, and was sort of hoping it would break off before I actually got attached (for just that reason)

well whatever..

No hard feelings on my end.. [SARCASM] I obviously fucked up, and all of this is MY fault[/SARCASM] although I was hoping for better, dating isn't meant to find the guy right away, it's meant to weed out the bad ones, refine expectations, and get a feel for personal tasts..

From now on, I stick to the geeks.. They get it.

Actually, I likely won't be dating for a few years.. With my job training and whatnot, I won't have time for a serious relationship, and I don't like to play around with those stupid "your good enough for now because I need someone" relationships

Nate.. feel free to badmouth me to whomever you wish. I'm sure you will/have, and it doesn't really bother me. You don't know any of the people who's thoughts matter to me, and it would take a good bit of talking to convince them anyway.. ^.^

so yeah, that's it.. all I wanted to say.

Good Riddence, I suppose..

WOOT!

2005-12-16T22:43:45Z

Hey, on the plus side to my aweful day, I just found a dollar in my pocket ^.^

plus I got paid, and actually made $171 this pay period... That makes me happy :)

I'm going crazy, I think.. (WARNING! Long bitching rant!)

2005-12-16T22:23:09Z

Well so I almost got myself expelled from school, arrested, and kicked out of the navy today.. Maybe I am going crazy, I'm not sure..

I swear to god I almost killed some people today.. Had I not removed myself from the situation, I would have.. It got me so pissed off I couldn't see straight (honest)

When did that old adeage loose meaning? You know, the one about "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime." Everyone just wants information spoonfed to them these days.. I, personally, cannot DEAL with that. The things I have learned, I learned through trial and error. I was not spoonfed information about how to use a computer. I was not spoonfed information on how to learn languages. I was not spoonfed all the things I know about science; I learned them myself. Books are a wondrerful thing, people! Trying things and failing at them is a GOOD thing, not a bad one. It does not indicate that you are unable to accomplish the task at hand, only that you do not currently have the skills required, or the information necessary. Failing at something and trying again is one of the most important things a person can do, after all.

So, on to the reason behind that rant.

I am, unfortunately, teamed up for a video project with the DUMBEST (seemingly) person on EARTH (I have mentioned her in previous posts.. she drives me crazy). She is one of those people who is dumb as a box of rocks not because she lacks mental ability, but because she doesn't want to do anything herself. There are things that have been explained to her 4+ times (in as many days) that she still doesn't "know" how to do! If you know anything about me, you know I cannot deal with stuff like that.It isn't that I havnt TRIED to deal with it, but it frustrates me so bad that I end up escentially shutting down to as not to piss anyone off..

Today, however I did not shut down. For two days I have been trying to tell her that if she does things by herself, even if it takes longer, she will understand how to do it, and maybe won't forget... She doesn't get that. One time yesterday when she asked me how to do soemthing, I asked her why, after having had it explained to her about 8 times, she still didn't remember how to do it... her responce? "Well it wasn't IMPORTANT, so I forgot it." Gee, if it was so unimportant, why do you need to know how to use it now? If it is so unimportant, why did you need to use it 8+ times before?

I absolutely refuse to walk her through ever step. That would mean I was doing the whole video MYSELF! For god's sake, she can't even do the simplest stuff, like splitting a video clip, without someone walking her through it! Basically I told her that I don't care how long her part takes (since I can fine-tune it fairly quickly, and get the type of grade I want) as long as she does it by herself. I could understand if she tried it 3+ times, and still couldn't do it, but she won't even try it once without someone explaining it to her. Granted I don't know how to do everything either, but if I ask for help, I pay attention to the person helping me; she does not. Obviously. I don't like being spoonfed information.. but she obviously does. She doesn't even know the very basics. It took her 10 min to find (") on the keyboard for god's sake! I told her that she needed to put something in quotes, so what does she do? uses two (')' ' <-- like that. No, sorry, those are NOT quotes! Find the quote button. 10 min later "I can't find it" *facedesk* IT'S THE SAME GODDAMNED KEY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! I could understand that if she were like 5 or soemthing, but the damned girl is 17!! She was looking RIGHT AT THE KEY to type ('') HOW HARD CAN IT BE!! But I digress..

So anyways, the way I wanted to do the vid (since she contributed absolutely nothing to planning, writing, or ideas) was to have it old-movie style with music, no vocal, and screens with writing on them (to tell the story). I showed her what to do, and wrote the first one (pretty long paragraph, mind), showed her how to change the color of the text, color of the background, ect. After writing the paragraph, what does she do? Deleats it. Having used the title option of the program numerous times, she should know by now that you have to drag the selected title down to the clip bar, but I guess she forgot. You know, all those OTHER times she used it, it wasn't IMPORTANT information. yeah.

So I re-wrote the paragraph, and made sure to tell her that she needed to drag it down to the clip bar. I told her to do the second one. (Since she was doing the rough editing, I figured that would fit as part of HER job.) She wrote "Step two:" (which she was supposed to) and then just sat there for a good 10 min, waiting for me to tell her what else to write. After that 10 min, she asked me "what do I write now?" So I told her to write whatever she thought should be there, and if something REALLY needed to be changed, I could always do it dirring the fine-tuning. Her responce was "but that just makes more work for you". Honestly, I don't care if it makes more work for me, as long as she does soemthing. The fine tuning won't take me any time at all, so adding one more change is really no big deal, and that is exactally what I told her.

SO THEN the bitchy girl who sits on the other side of me decides to butt in.. "Why don't you help her?" Umm because I have helped her all I can without going completely insane, maybe? Could be.. Instead I told her simply that it was absolutely none of her buisness, which was true; she was not involved, nor should she have been. She is friend to neither myself nor Miss "do it for me", and yet she still decided to come back at me with "Raven is a friend of mine, so it IS my buisness"... Even if they WERE friends, which they aren't, I don't see how that justifies it being her buisness... does it? Tell me if I am wrong, please!

Whatever. So then miss bitchy says "well I don't see you helping at all, you havn't done anything yet, all you do is sit there and read you'r book"

*facepalm* OK, Let me put it to everyone this way. I came up with the idea, because Raven "couldn't" ("well YOU are more creative than I am, so I will let you do that") I wrote out the basic plan (you know, the thing with the pictures of camera angles, charictors, and what they are saying), because "I can't, I don't know how". Not that it was in the full directions or anything.. no, no.. not there.. nope. I wrote the story, what charictors need to say, ect., because she "couldn't" as she didn't know what I would want written there (frankly, even if it sucked, I wouldn't have cared; those things are ALWAYS subject to change, after all) I did the filming, because she couldn't be bothered to learn how to use the camera. I transfered the movie onto the computer, because she wasn't paying attention (actually, as soon as the camera was hooked up, she decided that she needed to go to the office, and told the teacher that "Emily will take care of importing it") I even walked her through the first few steps, hoping that it would refresh her memory!

But no, I guess I didn't do anything.. And I guess I also won't be doing the fine-tuning, either. Can't really do that before the rough editing is done, right?

The only thing that Raven actually did was bring in the props (props being a perfume bottle, sweatshirt, dress, and pair of sunglasses, all of which I could easily have brought, but my clothes wouldn't have fit the male main char.) Is it wrong of me to expect that she do some editing? I mean really, is it? It's not like I have no intention of doing anything, since I want a good grade, and won't get it with Raven doing all of the editing..

Try explaining something like that to a bitchy female who only strives to be right in every circumstance, and you have my situation. I'm sure I should have just let it go, and told her to fuck off, but I'm sure many of you know my personality, and that just doesn't mesh with it.

I continued to tell her it was none of her buisness, and even asked her if that made it through her skull... her reply to THAT one (so witty, lemme tell ya) was "does it make it through YOUR skull?" umm.. what do you say to a responce like that? Being the one pointing something out, one would ASSUME that it was not only in the skull, but actually leaking out..

By this point I am so PISSED OFF about being bitched at for trying to teach someone to do for themself that my vision was going in and out (I was literally seeing black).. If I hadn't gotten up and walked away, I would have hit her. And if I had started, I wouldn't have stopped until either I was arrested, or she was dead. (I have alot of pent-up rage right now, and I don't have my usuial wrestling outlet for it) So thats where the near expulsion/arresting comes in.. It's alot of work to have that kind of self control when you deal with shit like that every day, let me tell you.. I'm suprised, actually, that I COULD just get up and walk away..Although, granted, I have been fuming ever since..

I don't know what to do at this point. I really don't. I think I am going to change the password on my account (since the movie is in my account) and just finish it myself, and explain to the teacher what has been going on (IE the lack of involvement on Raven's part) and just hope for the best. Hopefully, he will understand, and give her a bad grade for doing, escentially, nothing. The stuff she has done in the rough editing, she didn't really do. She was walked through every step, and I even did a good bit of it myself. She doesn't deserve a grade at all! I try to get her to pull her weight, but she still DOES NOTHING!

She even asked me the other day if I wanted her to edit, or if she could work on another assignment (one that has been overdue for weeks). Frankly, it isn't my problem that she has overdue HW, since she has studyhalls that she could use to work on it, rather than sitting around doing nothing like she deos. See, I don't have any studyhalls, so if this video project actually makes it down to the wire, I get fucked. She can't do the fine-tuning (or won't.. I saw the tutorial video that she did, and I have to say, it was INCREDABALY AWEFUL.. and even that was for a grade. AND she was walked through almost every step of it. It was so absolutely unfinished it made my brain hurt to watch it. It jumped back and forth from scene to scene.. anyway, I digress) so what option do I have? I need to get a good grade on this project, otherwise I will fail the class, and that just doesn't work out for me. Maybe it doesn't matter to her, but I need the credit to graduate, unless I want to tak ANOTHER class next semester, which I don't. 2.5 credits to graduate, and I may fail because of someone else being stupid? I think not!

When I get frustrated wth her, and tell her how to do something, she actually has the audasity to ask me if I want to do it FOR her!! NO! I DON'T! I want her to do her own damned work!

I am so entirely sick and tired of people at this point. I wish I could just drop out of school, but that isn't an option if I still want to go into the navy. How unfair. Life jokes with me too much...

the end of what i believed to be a good thing... im such a fool..

2005-11-13T23:46:54Z

so those relationship problems... they have come to a head at long last.

he stood me up yesterday. we had plans to see a movie, and he was supposed to call me. he never did.

he called me today, tho. isnt he so considderate?

i had a fit. not one of those "wow what a bitch" fits, but a more refined version of "im sick of the games, and you damned well better deal with me yelling at you, because this is the first time i have done it, and i waited damned well long enough for the behavior to change"

he DIDNT understand why it was important that he call me once in a while.

he didnt understand why i was upset that he doesnt seem to care enought to call and tell me that he couldnt do anything

he doesnt understand that relationships go both ways.

he didnt understand that he isnt pulling his weight.

i hung up on him.

he had nothing to say, and i didnt feel like dealing with silence.

i then cried for a good half hour because this seems to be how all of my relationships turn out.

they start out all roses, but soon enough, the roses decay, and im left with a rotten void. where did the beauty go?

i try to keep the roses well-tended. i spend a lot of time making sure that i have done everything i can to ensure that the soil is fertile, that they get enough love, but the soil is always poisened, and i dont have the antidote.

i think i am just about done trying to grow roses. love them all you want, they are never as beautiful as they could be, and with time, they always die.

sorry for the sickening metaphore...

anyways, i wrote him an e-mail after i was done crying.. i prolly shouldnt have, but this is what i wrote. verbatum.

"i was debating weather or not i want to talk to you.

im still not sure i do; you never make the effort to talk to me, so why should i make the effort to talk to you?

if you cant even understand why you never calling me is "a bad thing" then i dont think we have a snowball's chance in hell of making this relationship work.

i'm not sorry i hung up on you. it needed to be done. im also not sorry that i came across as a bitch. i tried subtlty, and that didnt work; what else could i have done?

its not like i expected much from you.. its not like i expected anything from you other than to spend some time with me and make contact with me once in a while.. is that really so much to ask?

before you got sick, it was all well and good because i could count on you being online and talking to me, planning to spend time with me that way. cant cound on that anymore, i guess... cant even count on you calling me when you say you will..

i realize that you arent confrontational, but saying something-anything really- when i was talking to you today would have been nice. but you laughed. that hurts.

maybe i was wrong to think that you were different from every other guy ive dated. maybe i was wrong to think that you would appreciate me when nobody else did. maybe i was wrong to think that you would give a damn.

i gave you the option, due to your seeming lack of intrest in our relationship, to break it off. you didnt. im still not sure why you didnt, since you dont seem to want to put forth the effort. maybe you dont understand how much that hurts.. let me try to explain it to you. i tried over the phone, but you just didnt get it then.. maybe if you can re-read it over and over, it will start to make sense..

its like this. i really like you, nate. i thought we had soemthing good. i didnt mind only being able to talk to you on the net, becaue it was consistant. consistant communication made me feel appreciated. made me think you cared enough to talk to me. since that ended, i havnt known what to do. i dont WANT to be the girlfriend who calls every day; thats not my job. relationships are give and take. and i DONT mena i give, you take, which is the case now. i have given you MORE than a fair chance to contact me; i waited days to hear from you on more than one occasion before breaking down and calling you. no more of that. i absolutely REFUSE to be treated like that. if our positions were reversed, maybe you would understand.

i hope you hurt right now. not because im a vindictive bitch, but because i want you to understand how i have been feeling for weeks. i hope it tears your soul apart, and you just cant seem to get it to stop. then you would understand.

this is the last effort i am going to make on this particular topic. if you dont care, dont bother calling or writing back. i dont expect you to. i dont expect anything from you anymore; i would be setting myself up for more pain if i did that.

i guess im just not worth the effort of picking up the phone and dialing seven numbers.."

i dont feel like writing anymore...

monkey_snot @ 2005-11-10T01:12:00

2005-11-10T08:32:58Z

It's 1:12 A.M., and I don't feel like sleeping at the moment.. so I thought "hey, I should update my LJ for the first time in months!!"

So heres the update, and I'm going to go over pretty much everything recent, so it's gunna be long. If you dont like me, I dont encourage you to read this, as it would be a huge waste of your time :D

First of all, I hate school. And not in the normal "I hate school because that's what everyone says" sort of way, and not that "I hate school because I can't be out doing other stuff" sort of way, or even that ooh-so-fun "I hate school because I don't like learning" sort of way, either. I hate school for a few pretty decent reasons....

1. I hate people. Brainless dopes just really don't do anything for me, and that is what the highschool setting is plagued with. Sure, there are a few people worth the time of day, but not many, and none of them want to have anything to do with me, "outcast" that I am. Good riddence; I don't really want to have anything to do with them, either. There is only one person under the age of thirty at my school that I talk to on a regular basis, and I'll be honest... she Isn't "friend" material. She annoys the bejesus out of me, and is always expecting me to do her work for her in photography. Fortunately for me, I will soon be going to school from 8:45 to 11:30 (or so), so I wont have to deal with her before school, or at lunch (right now I get off school at noon for work release, and was only going that long because I was planning on wrestling this year. I am no longer joining the team due to failure of mathmatics, and it's just as well; I don't feel like dealing with the coach again (and if you have read any previous entries, youll know why)

2. My school expects me to take classes that I neither need nor want. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have other things to do, like go to work *ahem*, but I do. I especially love how on late start days, they expect me to stay until 1:30 for, you guessed it... A STUDY HALL!! (the class I have fifth hour is independant study French, which I can just as easily do after work). Now if I were a full-time student, and didn't have work release to worry about, that would be one thing. HOWEVER, on days when we have a late start/two hour delay, I can't go to work, because we get done with work around 2:30 (assuming we dont have a big hatch that keeps us there untill 5-6 P.M.). I'm not going to drive a half hour, get to work at 2:00, work for half an hour, and go home. Talk about a waste of time! (not to mention fuel consumption) My employer expects me to be at work around 12:30, and OK, so I work for my step-dad... that's entirely not the point. Point is, if I am consistantly late for work, and/or can't show up due to school scedual, I'm going to end up loosing my job, and that is NOT an option.

3. The administration at my school is... well.. less than helpful. I SWEAR they do as little as possable to help out "the little guy", which basically means any student who isn't "popular"; they are more than helpful to THOSE people... go figure..

4. Pointless attendance anyone? I need 2.5 credits to graduate. That's it. Yet for some God unknown reason, they still expect me to not only go to school all day (they gave me alot of trouble about work release, and now they are giving me problems with dropping two classes from my scedual completely; I REFUSE to take studyhalls if I don't need them. I'm willing to simply not show up. Bad attendance? PFFT! Fuck attendance records. I already know what I am going to be doing after I graduate, and I know damned well that not only do I not need good grades, but i also don't need good attendance. I have talked to my recruiter about it, and he told me that all I need is that stinky little piece of paper that says I graduated. Lets hear it for frustration!

5. I admit it; I hate homework. Everyone says that, but they still do it, and get good grades on it. I don't. Half the time when I do homework, I get bad grades on it. So why do it? I don't. Simple as that. English homework I do, because its easy, and I need the class to graduate (.5 cr. English, .5 SS, 1.5 cr. electives) Math, on the other hand (which I only took to fill my scedual) I do NOT need, and as such, I never did the homework for it.

6. Testing. Do I really need to say more?

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Enough bitching about school, and on to the more... shall we say "entertaining" stuff..

So maybe I mentioned to some of you (the ones with whom I speak, that is) that I am going into the Navy. Quite a good option for me, since I need structure in my life, will be getting paid well, and can do what I really like to do. I took a test a while back to see if I qualify for the language programs; lo and behold, I got mid-range on the D-Lab (military language apptitude test). Had it not been for f'd up headphones, I'm fairly certain I would have scored much better.

Well I am now enrolled in the super-duper cryptotech program, and ship for basic on the 18th of July, two months after which I will be shipped out to Monterey California for a year, and then to some damned place in TX for another year. Fun on a bun!

Cross your fingers that the first language they teach me is Japanese!! (I want to be able to watch the GOOD Anime (like Inuyasha and Fullmetal Alchemist) in Japanese... Yup, I'm selfish..)

My recruiter, NC-1 Coleman, is absolutely awesome. He goes out of his way for me (because I'm awesome, you know!). Unfortunately he is retiring some time in December, so I will have to get used to the other guy. I've met the other guy, and he is cool, too, but it's not the same.

*subject change due to lack of anything else to talk about on that topic*

I'm going to my grandma's house for Thanksgiving. Most people wouldn't considder that "news", But I havn't seen here in... well, a long time. Years. Most likely I will be seeing my dad, as well. I'm not entirely sure how that will go, since I havn't seen him in a VERY long time, but I'm going to keep an open mind about it. As long as he doesnt expect instant affection, it should be fine; I'm not ready for that.

*another subject change for the same reason*

SO! Relationship. Hmm..

I'm going to be completely honest, here (although to spare the reader's sanity, I wont go into detail on most of it).

I am quite fond of my boytoy (word useage due to dislike of "boyfriend"), however our relationship is having a few problems. I'm sure he doesn't see them as problems, but I do, and that makes them problems, damnit!

He is an absolute sweetheart, and when we are togather, things seem fine. When, however, we are not togather, it seems to me like he doesn't care one way or another. Maybe I'm immagining things, but his complete lack of effort to contact me is a bit.. well.. disheartening. He never calls unless I leave a message on his answering machine telling him to call me, or have told him the day before to "call me tomarrow". I'm absolutely clueless as to why this is happening, but it makes me feel like he doesn't care enough to contact me. We don't talk a whole lot anymore because of this. I dont call him for days at a time to see if he will take the initiative, but it doesn't work. I have not, as of yet, told him that this concerns me, but only because I was conducting my tests (I should mention that this is new behavior, starting a few weeks ago when he got sick with mono; before that I could content myself with talking to him online when he got home from his classes, but he doesn't go online anymore, either. (or if he does, he has himself on invisable, even if just to me)

I'm not sure what to do. I can't tell him "start calling me more often or I'm going to break up with you"; ultimatums don't work. For all I know, there could be a perfectially good reason for his lack of communication. I doubt there is, but it is possable.

Only one other problem with the relationship: His roomies (brother and friend). I don't think they like me. Not, of couse, that they KNOW me or anything, but I still don't think they like me. When I am over, they are either at work, or stay holed up in their rooms. Not a whole lot of chance, due to this, to get to know them.

This wouldn't be an issue, but they seem to be trying to convince my BF not to spend time with me. This may not be the case, but such is how I percieve it. Too many times I have herd "I can't, people (how he refers to them) would bitch". Could be that he is using that as an excuse not to be around me, could be that they really would bitch, I don't know. He is, after all, not a child; he is 22, and as such, old enough to make his own decisions.

I have talked to him about it, and he said something along the lines of "they aren't telling me that I shouldn't spend time with you, they are just telling me that I should make my own decisions." which, frankly, sounds like crap to me. If they were, indeed, telling him to make his own decisions, he would have no reason to say "people would bitch". Instead, he would be putting his lips togather and saying "No, I don't want to". It's not like I would take it personally; I DO, in fact, understand wanting alone time, or time with friends, ect. He could always invite his friends along when I'm with him, that would be cool. I have yet to meet any of his friends, other than his roommate. Maybe I should be worried about that? I would LOVE to meet his friends; the people you are friends with are a good indication of who you, yourself, are, after all.

Whatever. Frankly if he doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want to be in the relationship, ect. I would prefer he told me. I could deal with that much more easily than not knowing. I just don't know how to breach the subject with him without offending him or making him think that I want out.. or even making him think that I'm reading too much into nothing. After all, it's not like I know that it's nothing. It strikes me as being a pretty big "something".

Anyway enough bitching about that. I told you this was going to be long. It's already 2:30, and I'm pretty sure I still have more junk to talk about. This would be going MUCH faster if I didn't have to go back and capitalize stuff and add apostrophies... I'm trying to train myself to type properly, and this seemed like a good opportunity... well, it did when I started writing it...

Hmm.. I've covered school, and the Navy stuff, and my relationship problems.. Don't want to say anything about my mom in case she reads this.. Gave my sister some major grief. Since I have until July here, I just want to be on the safe side. Nothing major to say or anything, just don't want her to get all mad at me.

Hmm.. Something about monkeys, I suppose, would be good... Too bad I can't think of anything good..

Nothing much to say about my job. It's the same thing every day.. Dull as hell, hot, and tiresome.

Okay, I guess it's time for me to go to bed, since I have to get up at 7:00..

I suppose if I think of anything later, I can post it tomarrow... assuming I remember to do that... which I prolly won't

If you read all the way to the bottom of this, give yourself 10 points in your "endurance" and "boredome" skills, and 15 points toward your "reading" skill, assuming you aren't maxed out already... mostly for my horrid subject jumping and whatnot.

*congradulations! You have reached a new level! You are now an ADVANCED humanoid/meat popsicle*

monkey_snot @ 2005-09-13T21:17:00

2005-09-14T02:34:37Z

well, its been a while since ive updated... and i wouldnt now if i didnt desprately need soemone to talk to.. someone who isnt around.. so i guess ill have to make do with this for now.. just to get stuff off my chest, i guess...

i dont know whats wrong with me.. things are *finally* starting to go well for me. i have a job, a car, and only half days of school, not to mention a guy i really like who seems to really like me...

so why do i feel so down? why cant i stop crying? what the hell is wrong with me?

im generally not the type to write stuff like this, even think it... i dunno..

stress usuially doesnt affect me like it does most people... i can take alot of it before i break, and im *pretty* sure i havnt yet reached that limit. things people say dont even bother me anymore, i just shrug it off. and its not like my life is even that bad. so your guess is as good as mine as to what the hell is going on.

for some reason i just feel like...well, like theres some deep emotional pain thats comming to surface... rearing its ugly little head in hopes that ill do soemthing ill regret later.

dont get me wrong, im not talking suicide or anything, but im afraid im going to say something to someone i care about that im going to regret, or lash out in some other way

ive barricaded myself in my room, and i dont plan on comming out any time soon. whats the point? is being around people REALLY going to help me feel better? i somehow doubt that.

i dont know, maybe i have reached my breaking point, and need to fix things beofre i can pick up the shattered pieces of my generally laid-back demeanor. maybe im just going crazy... is this the first step? does anyone know?

maybe its all in my head... but if thats the case, why am i getting so worked up about it? i mean, things were going fine today, and then i just sort of snapped.. granted i got lost not once but twice today going to and comming home from my picture shoot, but ill be honest... its nowhere near the first time thats happened, and it didnt really upset me that much, i just found a different way to go. school wasnt too bad today either.

if anyone has any idea whats wrong with me, please, let me know.. i dont want to feel like this anymore... i just want everything to go away... go back to normal...

normal, happy emily, where have you gone, and why did you leave the depressed bitch in your place?

update

2005-06-08T01:30:59Z

well hall bitched at me to update this yesterday, so i figured i would appease her.

there isnt much to say, really

in two days, school gets out (one for me, kinda, because i have only one test on thursday) the end of the school year can NOT come fast enough. im so sick of school and all that comes with it. and im not looking forward to next year, either (and i know everyone says that, but i REALLY mean it... if it werent for college, i would drop out, or get my GED or something... anything but 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, with people i abhore.. its torture..

but its almost over, and then i get 3 mths of break. tolerable, i suppose.

shortly after i turned 18 i got my lip pierced. its healing well, and i quite enjjoy it, even if it does get me funny looks. at the school i am currently attending, the only piercings people get are nose, belly and tongue, so im a freek, you know. eating is still somewhat difficult, and a bit painful, as its not completely healed, but its much better now than it was day-of

reading a new series. half way done with it already. started it last week. 10 books, 1000 pages, give or take.

i need a life.

im getting a job this summer. not an ideal one, but a job is a job.

im also doing my best to get my neighbors either arrested or so many tickets that their mother wont let them do anything... im trying... it needs to happen. and soon. they wake me up playing in the middle of the night, and making a ton of noiuse. things any RATIONAL person wouldnt even think of doing at 1 AM, like basketball, baseball, volleyball, and riding an electronic 4yo's motercycle and squeeling the breaks.. they will suffer for keeping me up.

thats about it for now, if i think of anything else, ill be *sure* to add it...

monkey_snot @ 2005-03-03T20:32:00

2005-03-04T02:48:02Z

haha mark, your a funny one!

so i spent-quite literally- all fucking day writing a paper for my english class... i never realized that trying to fill a certain ammount of space with limited information was so damn hard!
i had to fill a whole page with charlotte perkins gilman's achievements as a writer... she didnt HAVE a page worth of achievements... then appx. three pages of biography... well all the information i found on her life could be summed up in one... that was... well... fun. then another 3 pages worth of information about her story "the yellow wallpaper" which is about a woman who goes crazy looking at the wallpaper... good story, i highly recommend it, but dont try to analize it... and trying to sumarize it is just as hard, since most of the story is vital information (she was good, ill admit, at not putting down useless stuff) so a good 3 pages worth of sumerization, another page or so of analization, and another half page of description of modern writing traits (which i couldnt do, because we havnt learned them yet... so ill do it tomarrow) another page or two of compare and contrast with another author, which would be eeeeaaassssyyyyy but i didnt know what author i was supposed to do it on, so theres another thing to do before 5th hour tomarrow, and then page to page and a half of why she was an important author...

NEVER AGAIN!!!

ill fucking hire someone to do it for me. im the type of prson who compacts information into as short a document as possable... my normal paper or 7 paragraph essay is about a page typed... a 5 page report is hard for me to do, because i compact information... but this one had to be AT LEAST 8 PAGES!!! man im tired of writing stuff about writing... wouldnt want to do reviews for a living... eesh..

and so now my eyes hurt... is that bad? like really bad?
i think it is... could be wrong, tho

no new news other than i got my psychology class dropped and i now have my english teacher for study hall second hour... making the total to three official study halls and 3 unofficial.

i have a math test tomarrow that i didnt have to take today on Radicals (simplifying, adding... pretty easy but really hard at the same time..) wish me luck on that one...

i also have a physics test tomarrow on something i dont understand something about using trig functions and stuff to find out how long a hotwheels car will be in the air comming off a jump, and where the damn thing will land... so i figure ill fail that, unless its multiple choice, but he doesnt LIKE multiple choice...
on the other hand it might be one of his whack-job tests that doesnt have any math in it at all.. that would be cool

nothing else to write at the moment.. i suppose ill let the lot of you (hal and mark, as noone else reads this as far as i know) how i do on my tests tomarrow, should i find out durring the day

au revoir!

monkey_snot @ 2005-03-01T12:48:00

2005-03-01T18:57:27Z

so i got to stay home from school today... normally that would be cool, but this REALLY sucks.. every time i take a breath it hurts because i was injured at womans state on sunday (either my sternum is cracked, or the cartilage connecting my ribs to it pulled away) plus im sick as shit, so i keep coughing and sneezing and stuff... not fun...

hmm not much news... as far as news goes, at any rate

umm... lemme pick my brain, maybe i can come up with something im allowed to share with the world...

ok well its not news, really, but im much farther in Jade Caccoon 2... umm... yeah..

ok i have nothing to write about that im allowed to say..

ooh but i took third at state... could have done better were i not injured, but you take what you can get, eh?